birthday wishes? new year's resolutions? chrismas lists? the list is endless. and it all says one thing; we can not live without dreams. i mean, if we dont have a goal to work towards, whats life about then?
this summe,r i caught myself wondering, a number of times, whats my ultimate goal? that one thing that i live for. an innermost part of me was telling me that the answer should be "heaven". well, i do believe in heaven, and it most definitely is where i wanna be eventually. but lets face it, thats not the billboard set high above, that i run towards with a smile on my face. it's a whole different deal then.
i figure i got a wishlist too, like everyone. and it could be similar to a whole lot others out there, but it still is mine. and it's why i wake up early in the morning, although i'd kill to be able to sleep in, and why we bother to do education, relationships, check ups, and chocolate cakes. got you thinking, jo?
well, here's what i think of when i lie down on a matress up on the roof and watch the millions of stars. and the occasional shooting star. and yes, i do make a wish or so.
i wish...(hope this doesnt jinx it!) that i could spent my day working in a huge, modern hospital, that has these posh, stainless steel coffee stands. and i wanna be able to observe tough surgery, and treat hard cases. then, i'd leave to my house where i could eat a nice dinner with my husband, who happens to be great-mind you!- and cares for me tons. and then lie on the couch watching a light romance movie to sleep.
every year i'd like to be able to score a couple of weeks vacation somewhere extremely new, and do bunjy jumbing, sky diving, mountain climbing, camping in the woods. safaris through the desert...basically travel around the world. vegas, malaysia, italy, brazil, france, austria and swizerland. and another couple of weeks with my family. my extended family. i know hardly anyone likes that; arguments that last a lifetime over absolutely nothing meaningful, bigtime expectations by older folks who always think the next generation is too screwed up, and kids screaming and running around breaking alot of stuff. but lets face it, family gossip is basically... well, kinda cosy. (Ahem... it's real late and i could posibly be losing it, i'm not sure :)) the bigger the croud, the more people in your life that affect your life and love you in some way, and that is definitely warm.
and of course, one day, i'd like to have kids, and start a new generation that will probably be even more screwed up, but hopefully, happy.
well, thats a life plan, ha? of course, there are tons of other wishes, like my own business, weekends at a glamourous spa, girlfriends that support and love me, first class travel, a week in a cottage in countryside england, and tons others.
i realise that while the list is endless, it expresses who i am,what my values are, and what my priorities are. (NB they were not in a particular order back up there, but i know what comes first) i mean, that why from a young age, our parents teach us about wishes, and goals and dreams. and the more dreams i have, the more reasons i have to live.
PS. if you dont have a wishlist figured out already, try it out, you'll be surprised how much you wanna do. goodnight and sweet dreams everyone :-)
Friday, September 21, 2007
Monday, September 10, 2007
a tribute
to mom, and Teddy. and the angels that stood by me and played a part in getting my life back together. my love to all of you.
“she got married while still in college?!” my sister questions regarding my aunt as she goes through the select pics I picked out. My parents have this box full of photos from back when they were in college, and for some reason-perhaps boredom- I decided I’d look through them tonight. Automatically, I was stacking the ones I liked in a separate stack.
My mom, her brother, her sis, my dad and his sis, all went to college together. And judging by the photos alone, anyone would say they had a hell of a time being there. Put the photos aside, talk to my mom, and you’d end up with the same conclusion; it was a blast! “the best years of her life”. Not hard to believe since college is usually everyone’s favourite time. But the enthusiasm that radiates through her smile when she talks about it...and if there were genes for enthusiasm and passion for medicine and college life, she definitely passed them on to me.
I have always wanted to go to med school. Ever since I was 5, it was decided in my mind. I can’t imagine myself doing anything else for the rest of my life. Even my dream of starting a coffee house chain was never a substitute. And would never suffice. I was born to be a doctor. So you can only imagine how I felt when my life took an awkward twist in the wrong direction.
After I was done with my IGCSEs and applied in colleges-through the stupid system that applies here in Egypt- I had done really well on my IGCSEs, specifically, 7 A stars, 1 A &1 C on my O levels, plus 3 As on my A levels, I don’t mean to brag, but that was good! The uni. applications results came back after applying by a month or so. I was accepted in the faculty of engineering!
Utmost horror wasn’t my reaction. that very same summer, my very best friend Teddy for whom I had feeling for-albeit feelings I never quite completely understood- had passed away, after being terribly sick for like 9 months. So I was already severely depressed, screwed up emotionally, and basically lost, that by the time I read “faculty of engineering” on that small receipt-like piece of paper, I was actually smiling.
The drive with my parents back form the office was basically weird. I had accepted(or so I said) the strange twist of fate and was going to study engineering, become a successful architect, or medical engineer.
And so it was. I went to the faculty of engineering, paid the fees, bought the books and the technical equipment required, and started attending. My parents had traveled already, and I was staying with my grandma. College had started.
I spent quite a lot of time in a 2-3 weeks period basically weeping secretly in the balcony at night. Probably more for the loss of my best friend Teddy than my unfortunate college. I was refusing to admit my defeat and was determined to pass at this. But I guess, I had reached this point where it was impossible for anyone to think that I was less than severely depressed and broken.
One night I even talked with my grandma and discussed with her how nothing really mattered in the first place, and how I didn’t really care about anything that had, or was going to ever happen to me.
The next morning, 2 of my aunts came over and were discussing with my grandma and my mom a course of action. One that would change my life forever. And get it back on the tracks I had so carefully laid out for myself.
“listen sweetie; we are going to ask about transfers, but if it doesn’t work out which it probably wouldn’t, you have 2 options; firstly, is go to a private medical school (only one was available in cairo-and a lousy one!) and next year you can try to transfer to another uni, your second option would be to stay where you are this year, then next year reapply, you would have wasted this year though”. That was instead of “good morning”! I was basically in shock.
We went to the office, and without a lot of details, I had managed to transfer to a medical school that was over 70km from cairo. In the country side. I would be able to transfer to a med school in cairo after 2 years.
My aunt describes me that day, as “a rabbit about to be executed”, curled up in the back seat of her car!
In a brief afternoon, my whole future was taking a sharp turn.
My mom jumped on a plane back to cairo, to help me out with the paper work and be the enormous source of support that she’s always been. The next 2 weeks were frantic. Absolute horror, weakness, and a lot of other emotions.
My whole life plan was shattered that summer. My soul was absolutely crushed.. I had only collected some pieces of my shattered life, glued them together and was less fearful, yet still broken. But at least I was back on track. And piece by piece, I was determined to get my broken heart back together.
A couple of days later, I was at the bus stop waiting for a bus that would take us to the country side. My mom was with me. By my side. And from above an angel was looking over me. Praying for me like I was for him. And his prayers were answered.
“she got married while still in college?!” my sister questions regarding my aunt as she goes through the select pics I picked out. My parents have this box full of photos from back when they were in college, and for some reason-perhaps boredom- I decided I’d look through them tonight. Automatically, I was stacking the ones I liked in a separate stack.
My mom, her brother, her sis, my dad and his sis, all went to college together. And judging by the photos alone, anyone would say they had a hell of a time being there. Put the photos aside, talk to my mom, and you’d end up with the same conclusion; it was a blast! “the best years of her life”. Not hard to believe since college is usually everyone’s favourite time. But the enthusiasm that radiates through her smile when she talks about it...and if there were genes for enthusiasm and passion for medicine and college life, she definitely passed them on to me.
I have always wanted to go to med school. Ever since I was 5, it was decided in my mind. I can’t imagine myself doing anything else for the rest of my life. Even my dream of starting a coffee house chain was never a substitute. And would never suffice. I was born to be a doctor. So you can only imagine how I felt when my life took an awkward twist in the wrong direction.
After I was done with my IGCSEs and applied in colleges-through the stupid system that applies here in Egypt- I had done really well on my IGCSEs, specifically, 7 A stars, 1 A &1 C on my O levels, plus 3 As on my A levels, I don’t mean to brag, but that was good! The uni. applications results came back after applying by a month or so. I was accepted in the faculty of engineering!
Utmost horror wasn’t my reaction. that very same summer, my very best friend Teddy for whom I had feeling for-albeit feelings I never quite completely understood- had passed away, after being terribly sick for like 9 months. So I was already severely depressed, screwed up emotionally, and basically lost, that by the time I read “faculty of engineering” on that small receipt-like piece of paper, I was actually smiling.
The drive with my parents back form the office was basically weird. I had accepted(or so I said) the strange twist of fate and was going to study engineering, become a successful architect, or medical engineer.
And so it was. I went to the faculty of engineering, paid the fees, bought the books and the technical equipment required, and started attending. My parents had traveled already, and I was staying with my grandma. College had started.
I spent quite a lot of time in a 2-3 weeks period basically weeping secretly in the balcony at night. Probably more for the loss of my best friend Teddy than my unfortunate college. I was refusing to admit my defeat and was determined to pass at this. But I guess, I had reached this point where it was impossible for anyone to think that I was less than severely depressed and broken.
One night I even talked with my grandma and discussed with her how nothing really mattered in the first place, and how I didn’t really care about anything that had, or was going to ever happen to me.
The next morning, 2 of my aunts came over and were discussing with my grandma and my mom a course of action. One that would change my life forever. And get it back on the tracks I had so carefully laid out for myself.
“listen sweetie; we are going to ask about transfers, but if it doesn’t work out which it probably wouldn’t, you have 2 options; firstly, is go to a private medical school (only one was available in cairo-and a lousy one!) and next year you can try to transfer to another uni, your second option would be to stay where you are this year, then next year reapply, you would have wasted this year though”. That was instead of “good morning”! I was basically in shock.
We went to the office, and without a lot of details, I had managed to transfer to a medical school that was over 70km from cairo. In the country side. I would be able to transfer to a med school in cairo after 2 years.
My aunt describes me that day, as “a rabbit about to be executed”, curled up in the back seat of her car!
In a brief afternoon, my whole future was taking a sharp turn.
My mom jumped on a plane back to cairo, to help me out with the paper work and be the enormous source of support that she’s always been. The next 2 weeks were frantic. Absolute horror, weakness, and a lot of other emotions.
My whole life plan was shattered that summer. My soul was absolutely crushed.. I had only collected some pieces of my shattered life, glued them together and was less fearful, yet still broken. But at least I was back on track. And piece by piece, I was determined to get my broken heart back together.
A couple of days later, I was at the bus stop waiting for a bus that would take us to the country side. My mom was with me. By my side. And from above an angel was looking over me. Praying for me like I was for him. And his prayers were answered.
Sunday, September 2, 2007
first dive
they are so many. way so many. the view from the microbus is an everlasting poster of wall to wall grey buildings. lots and lots of windows and balconies and rooms. i can't help but feel... every family in each of these homes has a full life. a life of family gatherings, arguments and traditions. jobs, schools and colleges to go to. friends that talk, listen, offer and want advice. through some route or another, i am connected to each and every person in the city.
i am going crazy.
the trip in the microbus, although extremely dreadfull to me when i think about it, once i am in there, and on that long bridge that runs through the busy cairo, disturbing the residents, it is a calm mind spot. this is when i sink deep into my mind and lose track of time. of exsistance.
i find myself wondering about people. and if i were that woman i spot hanging her laundry out the window. worrying about her mom's health, probably, and wondering about the food cooking on the stove.
it is endless. infinite. and a huge irregular meshwork that holds us all. perhaps not only through cairo, but through the entire universe.
and then i am brought back to life and the extremely uncomfortable seat by the window of the microbus, as we are back on the busy street. and no longer on the brigde. i do not miss it. i long to be home after my 2 and a half hour long journey back from college. tomoro is another randevous.
soon. this will be over soon. and i will look back and hopefully feel proud of the accomplishment. of the lessons i learned. journey routes will change, and so will destinations. but the brigde will stay, and wait for me. it enjoys my admiration and attatchment. and i enjoy its presence. it is simply...here.
i am going crazy.
the trip in the microbus, although extremely dreadfull to me when i think about it, once i am in there, and on that long bridge that runs through the busy cairo, disturbing the residents, it is a calm mind spot. this is when i sink deep into my mind and lose track of time. of exsistance.
i find myself wondering about people. and if i were that woman i spot hanging her laundry out the window. worrying about her mom's health, probably, and wondering about the food cooking on the stove.
it is endless. infinite. and a huge irregular meshwork that holds us all. perhaps not only through cairo, but through the entire universe.
and then i am brought back to life and the extremely uncomfortable seat by the window of the microbus, as we are back on the busy street. and no longer on the brigde. i do not miss it. i long to be home after my 2 and a half hour long journey back from college. tomoro is another randevous.
soon. this will be over soon. and i will look back and hopefully feel proud of the accomplishment. of the lessons i learned. journey routes will change, and so will destinations. but the brigde will stay, and wait for me. it enjoys my admiration and attatchment. and i enjoy its presence. it is simply...here.
Saturday, September 1, 2007
when your're feeling blue...
Sunshine. beaches. millions of stars in the sky. a baby's laughter. crimson red roses. your favourite song. coming back home. friends and family gatherings. the streets at night. hawaiian prints. a chickflick with the girls. icecream. nights on the roof. mountains. hot chocolate on a cold winter night. splashing into a cool pool summer afternoon. boat trips. being there for friends. new hats that look good on. a newborn's toes. spanish guitars...
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