2008:
1. Positive attitude towards life, appreciate what I have more, and be more thankful to God.
2. Read the Qur’an at least twice this year.
3. Plan/participate in at least one charity event.
4. read more about :
a. historical characters: Guevara
b. organizations: unicef, WHO, UN
c. Novels and self inspiring.
5. Do yoga at least 4 times a week.
6. Get better at the guitar.
7. loose 10 kg
8. Make (& keep!) at least 1 new friend.
9. Be more open & learn to make my own decisions.
10. Sit for and pass the USMLE step 1.
11. Get an A this year.
12. Go to the opera and wheel of culture at least 10 times this year.
13. Read something in Italian… come on already!!!
14. Do more “acts of kindness” and help people more often.
15. Believe more in myself, my friends, and my family, and be more understanding of differences in opinion.
16. Hug my family members and friends more often.
17. Write and send an article to a newspaper/ magazine, basically, get something published.
18. Have more parties! And girly get togethers (we’re talking chocolate, people!)
19. Wear heals more often.
20. Beach buggy/ Jet Ski/ bungee jumping… wild activity!
Monday, December 31, 2007
Friday, December 21, 2007
Incoherent
i am a shaddow of myself. my mind and soul somewhere else. floating somewhere far from here. i have no awareness anymore. no realisation.
do i exist?
my mind plays tricks on me, making me think thoughts to hide other thoughts. to hide emotions i am unwilling to feel.
i dont have time to think, or feel. i am running on autopilot, and an inefficient one at that.
i am switched off.
i no longer sense time. a long night's sleep is a blink.
i no longer feel taste, food is a vitality and a process. no longer enjoyed.
i do not understand what or why i feel what i feel. i do not know what to do about it. i am not used to being that detached from myself.
i long for reconnecting my body with my soul.
i long for exsistance.
do i exist?
my mind plays tricks on me, making me think thoughts to hide other thoughts. to hide emotions i am unwilling to feel.
i dont have time to think, or feel. i am running on autopilot, and an inefficient one at that.
i am switched off.
i no longer sense time. a long night's sleep is a blink.
i no longer feel taste, food is a vitality and a process. no longer enjoyed.
i do not understand what or why i feel what i feel. i do not know what to do about it. i am not used to being that detached from myself.
i long for reconnecting my body with my soul.
i long for exsistance.
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
the need to become
We are corrupted.
A few days back, I looked around my section and I got thinking. Around me were close to 50 3rd year med students, who in 4 years will be doctors, and more importantly adults. making decisions that affect the entire community. All I saw were a bunch of young kids, still stuck somewhere in high school.
Our whole generation, We are so concerned about what people are wearing and who’s dating who, and who’s cuter than who, who drives what… the list of extremely meaningless topics is endless. Not only is it a disgrace, it is a scary time bomb!
I can not realize where exactly the problem initiated but I do know it exists.
Somehow, what we have is absolute ignorance. We know nothing about politics, literature, religion, history, art, or anything that is of meaning. How are we expected to be running a country in a decade or so?
Lets look at it that way, it seems, since our country isn’t exactly doing all that great now, allow me to elaborate- a lousy infrastructure that currently allows for a traffic jam to exist anywhere, and everywhere most of the time, an education system that allows for absolute shutting down of the brain, forget “thinking outside the box”, I don’t think there’s even thinking within any box whatsoever, the horrendous “tipping/bribery” systems along with the “favoring” underlining any process that goes around…etc etc- I don’t think the previous generation did all that well, no? and I am talking about a generation that was better educated, more moral and ethical and more aware of the environmental and other issues that meant something. We are talking about a generation that knew the difference between republican and liberal and all these “big words”.
Before them, was the generation that got us though war into peace.
talk about circling the drain!
Yesterday, was human rights’ day. They were celebrating it in the uni by creating a mini-galery with express-yourself charts, and by running the movie “beyond borders”(that didn’t exactly work out, but the gallery was great). I was real excited about going, but none of my friends were. I took my sister and went anyway. Talk about being stuck with the wrong friends. And none of them was even supportive. They were all joking about how all they wanted was to be “doctors” and nothing else. What about being human, and alive?
Dr. ibrahim elfiky once said something like: its always better to be alone than end up with the wrong croud. inspite of believing in that, I don’t really know if I have the courage. I want to learn, and learn more and more about the things that matter. The causes and the types and the structure. I want to educate myself and make a difference. I don’t want to end up like the “croud” and I don’t want to run away. I want a better life but I want to help people live better lives too.
Yes, I don’t want to be alone, and it confuses me not to be able to see clearly, and decide on a plan to stick to with all my heart and soul. And I guess it’s part of being where I am and the “med school” no-time-to-even-think syndrome.
I need to change. I need to become.
A few days back, I looked around my section and I got thinking. Around me were close to 50 3rd year med students, who in 4 years will be doctors, and more importantly adults. making decisions that affect the entire community. All I saw were a bunch of young kids, still stuck somewhere in high school.
Our whole generation, We are so concerned about what people are wearing and who’s dating who, and who’s cuter than who, who drives what… the list of extremely meaningless topics is endless. Not only is it a disgrace, it is a scary time bomb!
I can not realize where exactly the problem initiated but I do know it exists.
Somehow, what we have is absolute ignorance. We know nothing about politics, literature, religion, history, art, or anything that is of meaning. How are we expected to be running a country in a decade or so?
Lets look at it that way, it seems, since our country isn’t exactly doing all that great now, allow me to elaborate- a lousy infrastructure that currently allows for a traffic jam to exist anywhere, and everywhere most of the time, an education system that allows for absolute shutting down of the brain, forget “thinking outside the box”, I don’t think there’s even thinking within any box whatsoever, the horrendous “tipping/bribery” systems along with the “favoring” underlining any process that goes around…etc etc- I don’t think the previous generation did all that well, no? and I am talking about a generation that was better educated, more moral and ethical and more aware of the environmental and other issues that meant something. We are talking about a generation that knew the difference between republican and liberal and all these “big words”.
Before them, was the generation that got us though war into peace.
talk about circling the drain!
Yesterday, was human rights’ day. They were celebrating it in the uni by creating a mini-galery with express-yourself charts, and by running the movie “beyond borders”(that didn’t exactly work out, but the gallery was great). I was real excited about going, but none of my friends were. I took my sister and went anyway. Talk about being stuck with the wrong friends. And none of them was even supportive. They were all joking about how all they wanted was to be “doctors” and nothing else. What about being human, and alive?
Dr. ibrahim elfiky once said something like: its always better to be alone than end up with the wrong croud. inspite of believing in that, I don’t really know if I have the courage. I want to learn, and learn more and more about the things that matter. The causes and the types and the structure. I want to educate myself and make a difference. I don’t want to end up like the “croud” and I don’t want to run away. I want a better life but I want to help people live better lives too.
Yes, I don’t want to be alone, and it confuses me not to be able to see clearly, and decide on a plan to stick to with all my heart and soul. And I guess it’s part of being where I am and the “med school” no-time-to-even-think syndrome.
I need to change. I need to become.
Thursday, November 22, 2007
Nostalgia
yesterday, i drove my sis to school, my ol' school.
i stepped inside with a deep breath. it felt as if it's been ages yet as if it was only yesterday that i ran around the playground, and up and down the stairs. i felt tight in my chest.
i ascended the stairs with her up to the IGCSE floor, said hello to my old supervisor. i didn;t like her that much. she was always quite fake, i felt.
i didn't stay for long. i couldn't. something didn't quite work.
i miss him too much. i miss everything too much. it comes as those strong pangs of absolutely just missing everything. feeling real tired and broken.
i went grocery shopping, prepared lunch, then decided i would go back to pick her up and say hello to my old bio teacher. i dressed "pleasantly", and got going. reached school a bit earlier, so i just stood on the stairs looking out the window into the playground.
i wanted to face myself. to realise what was wrong. to fix it. but only i felt real tight, and tears were close by.
i do not understand. i can not interpret what i feel. i can not be grieving for my life. sure, it's been a bit tough lately, and things weren't going my way the past couple of years, but now things r getting better. but it feels like the wound hasnt healed.
i need to heal completely and not be living my life as intermittent phases of energy and enthusiasm mixed with absolute unawareness, grief, and beurocracy.
i do not know how.
i stepped inside with a deep breath. it felt as if it's been ages yet as if it was only yesterday that i ran around the playground, and up and down the stairs. i felt tight in my chest.
i ascended the stairs with her up to the IGCSE floor, said hello to my old supervisor. i didn;t like her that much. she was always quite fake, i felt.
i didn't stay for long. i couldn't. something didn't quite work.
i miss him too much. i miss everything too much. it comes as those strong pangs of absolutely just missing everything. feeling real tired and broken.
i went grocery shopping, prepared lunch, then decided i would go back to pick her up and say hello to my old bio teacher. i dressed "pleasantly", and got going. reached school a bit earlier, so i just stood on the stairs looking out the window into the playground.
i wanted to face myself. to realise what was wrong. to fix it. but only i felt real tight, and tears were close by.
i do not understand. i can not interpret what i feel. i can not be grieving for my life. sure, it's been a bit tough lately, and things weren't going my way the past couple of years, but now things r getting better. but it feels like the wound hasnt healed.
i need to heal completely and not be living my life as intermittent phases of energy and enthusiasm mixed with absolute unawareness, grief, and beurocracy.
i do not know how.
Monday, November 19, 2007
the dreamers
blank. sometimes living so much in confusion leads to this point where u just think, blank.
you do no know how you feel, or what u want, or what you should be doing. dont get me wrong, it isnt coz ur life is going too routinely or coz you r bored... being "not a kid, yet definately not an adult" totally sucks. forget the fact that you can make mistakes with no major consequence, yet sleeping when u wanna and all the seemingly good side of this strange phase. and look at it that way, you are in charge; everything you do will affect everything that happens to you in the future. it is crystal clear. transparent, and painfully obvious.
we spend about a third of our time sleeping, a third doing absolute junk/ vital processes including eating, watching tv, driving, on the phone etc etc, and the last third of the time in oblivion.
we do not neccessarily know where we're headed, or how we're gonna get there. yet we do not -in anyway- live in the moment. we excessively stress on issues that are as meaningless and trivial as our hair and outings, know practically nothing about politics or how our country is run, yet very much believe that when we are older we will all have tons of cash, drive any car we want and live anywhere we want, stress free and happy. we are the Dreamers.
you do no know how you feel, or what u want, or what you should be doing. dont get me wrong, it isnt coz ur life is going too routinely or coz you r bored... being "not a kid, yet definately not an adult" totally sucks. forget the fact that you can make mistakes with no major consequence, yet sleeping when u wanna and all the seemingly good side of this strange phase. and look at it that way, you are in charge; everything you do will affect everything that happens to you in the future. it is crystal clear. transparent, and painfully obvious.
we spend about a third of our time sleeping, a third doing absolute junk/ vital processes including eating, watching tv, driving, on the phone etc etc, and the last third of the time in oblivion.
we do not neccessarily know where we're headed, or how we're gonna get there. yet we do not -in anyway- live in the moment. we excessively stress on issues that are as meaningless and trivial as our hair and outings, know practically nothing about politics or how our country is run, yet very much believe that when we are older we will all have tons of cash, drive any car we want and live anywhere we want, stress free and happy. we are the Dreamers.
Saturday, November 3, 2007
vienna waits...
it’s been kinda tough the last few days. It all started off as a mind block. U know… one of those when u just feel u cant get anything through, study wise. And it was becoming to be one of those times when I just miss teddy so much I can’t help it.
everything seems to be going ok but It feels wrong. I just miss him and his times so much. I feel I’d give anything to be able to have him for a few hours. The security and sincerity of it…
I miss his smile and the way he looked at me. The way he cared about me no matter how mean I got or how far. He was always there for me to turn back to. He just isn’t anymore and sometimes life is just too hard. One of those, when u just wonder why, and what matters. When u realize that things, in fact, haven’t been all that great, after all.
An hour or so ago I just felt so worried about this other friend of mine, A, who is now in Lebanon. And for some reason, I got this bang, this strange feeling of being so worried about him. It’s like I’m almost certain something’s got to him or something. I don’t know. I just feel that he is now in teddy’s place and I am reliving what I did with teddy.
The way I really cared but somehow it seemed I was only backing out and wasn’t able to show it. until it hit me when he died. That I’d been so distant and that I didn’t spend anytime with him at all coz I wouldn’t break any rules. U know… those stupid Egyptian primitive boundaries, and me not realizing what mattered, and being perhaps too involved in my studies, that I forgot what really matters, and why anything ever does matter. It’s those moments when u feel that u’re just happy being where u are. Utterly happy. That’s what we live for, no? I guess I realized a bit later than I should have that rules r sometimes definitely meant to be broken. I should have broken some rules for teddy. And I should break some rules for A as well.
I just wish he’s alright. And that I get to see him soon coz I really wanna tell him how much he means to me.
I’ve been listening to this song “Vienna” by billy joel over and over, and I just can’t help it but cry. So much my head hurts at moments. I just feel this song right now. And I’ve been wasting so much time lately, that the guilt is taking over the relaxation purpose of the whole thing.
I feel alone.
I got friends but I’m so on my own. And while it feels good sometimes to be independent and perfectly fine being able to live on ur own. But sometimes it feels like rubbish. Like I just need someone who loves me unconditionally and without limits and cares about me. Probably mom. It feels like curling up, feotal position and just being hugged. Yeah… I need a hug. Perhaps a long walk. A vacation would work too. Reality is, I got a test tomoro. So, vacation plans rn’t applicable in any sense. And since I didn’t study, I guess that test is going down the drain. It’s my first in this uni so that’s probably not gonna help.
Well… I guess there’s probably very little I can do anyway.
everything seems to be going ok but It feels wrong. I just miss him and his times so much. I feel I’d give anything to be able to have him for a few hours. The security and sincerity of it…
I miss his smile and the way he looked at me. The way he cared about me no matter how mean I got or how far. He was always there for me to turn back to. He just isn’t anymore and sometimes life is just too hard. One of those, when u just wonder why, and what matters. When u realize that things, in fact, haven’t been all that great, after all.
An hour or so ago I just felt so worried about this other friend of mine, A, who is now in Lebanon. And for some reason, I got this bang, this strange feeling of being so worried about him. It’s like I’m almost certain something’s got to him or something. I don’t know. I just feel that he is now in teddy’s place and I am reliving what I did with teddy.
The way I really cared but somehow it seemed I was only backing out and wasn’t able to show it. until it hit me when he died. That I’d been so distant and that I didn’t spend anytime with him at all coz I wouldn’t break any rules. U know… those stupid Egyptian primitive boundaries, and me not realizing what mattered, and being perhaps too involved in my studies, that I forgot what really matters, and why anything ever does matter. It’s those moments when u feel that u’re just happy being where u are. Utterly happy. That’s what we live for, no? I guess I realized a bit later than I should have that rules r sometimes definitely meant to be broken. I should have broken some rules for teddy. And I should break some rules for A as well.
I just wish he’s alright. And that I get to see him soon coz I really wanna tell him how much he means to me.
I’ve been listening to this song “Vienna” by billy joel over and over, and I just can’t help it but cry. So much my head hurts at moments. I just feel this song right now. And I’ve been wasting so much time lately, that the guilt is taking over the relaxation purpose of the whole thing.
I feel alone.
I got friends but I’m so on my own. And while it feels good sometimes to be independent and perfectly fine being able to live on ur own. But sometimes it feels like rubbish. Like I just need someone who loves me unconditionally and without limits and cares about me. Probably mom. It feels like curling up, feotal position and just being hugged. Yeah… I need a hug. Perhaps a long walk. A vacation would work too. Reality is, I got a test tomoro. So, vacation plans rn’t applicable in any sense. And since I didn’t study, I guess that test is going down the drain. It’s my first in this uni so that’s probably not gonna help.
Well… I guess there’s probably very little I can do anyway.
Monday, October 29, 2007
Freddy says relax
it is one of those days.
like most other days, wake up, dress, drive to college, attend, go back home, nap...etc
life's been kind to me lately, it seems. i am finally studying where i always wanted, the transfer is complete and i finally get a chance to live. i met lotsa new people, some of which seem really interesting, and have started to make some new friends. i lost some kgs-finally!-which is also awesome. i just got a few novels and started reading one of them, it seems fun. i feel grown up, responsible, smart, content, extremely gratefull, and happy.
this novel's about this 32 yr old man, who's always been a coward. lives simply, day by day. till he wakes up one day, realises he has a crappy meaningless job, that he's being reevaluated for, is stuck in a relationship that's been going nowhere-and while he's ok with that, his gf isn't. he snaps, and ends up throwing a photocopier out the window of his office. etc etc etc. the story goes on.
i dont know.
i am moving forward, life aint still for me. i'm still in college, which means no crappy job. but how about crappy college? oh, God, i so am not complaining, oh dear God, no. after being through hell, and being a person with alot of awareness about other countries and much worse places i could be, i am definately gratefull. but i am not glad about the way thisngs r here in egypt either. then again, i guess nobody is.
i dont want to go through this for the millionth time. why i think this country is so much third world-btw, which r the 2nd world?-and is so not "developing"!
yellow balloown, red balloon......
ok.
cont. later, i guess.
like most other days, wake up, dress, drive to college, attend, go back home, nap...etc
life's been kind to me lately, it seems. i am finally studying where i always wanted, the transfer is complete and i finally get a chance to live. i met lotsa new people, some of which seem really interesting, and have started to make some new friends. i lost some kgs-finally!-which is also awesome. i just got a few novels and started reading one of them, it seems fun. i feel grown up, responsible, smart, content, extremely gratefull, and happy.
this novel's about this 32 yr old man, who's always been a coward. lives simply, day by day. till he wakes up one day, realises he has a crappy meaningless job, that he's being reevaluated for, is stuck in a relationship that's been going nowhere-and while he's ok with that, his gf isn't. he snaps, and ends up throwing a photocopier out the window of his office. etc etc etc. the story goes on.
i dont know.
i am moving forward, life aint still for me. i'm still in college, which means no crappy job. but how about crappy college? oh, God, i so am not complaining, oh dear God, no. after being through hell, and being a person with alot of awareness about other countries and much worse places i could be, i am definately gratefull. but i am not glad about the way thisngs r here in egypt either. then again, i guess nobody is.
i dont want to go through this for the millionth time. why i think this country is so much third world-btw, which r the 2nd world?-and is so not "developing"!
yellow balloown, red balloon......
ok.
cont. later, i guess.
Monday, October 22, 2007
symptom 2
Symptom 2:
General willingness to cradle up on the couch and watch cartoons, specially tom&jerry and loony toons.
Irresistibility towards Garfield comics right before bed time, with a strong sense of relating to the orange, fat, lazy, fuzzy sucker! (all smiles:D)
General willingness to cradle up on the couch and watch cartoons, specially tom&jerry and loony toons.
Irresistibility towards Garfield comics right before bed time, with a strong sense of relating to the orange, fat, lazy, fuzzy sucker! (all smiles:D)
symptom 1
Emotional symptoms:
Extra energy with a strong craving for any exotic activity that is characteristic of either extreme winter, or extreme summer.
E.g. such a rush felt at the thought of diving into a cool pool on a sunny day, and/or a strong desire to go ice-skating wrapped up in warm clothing, with wool gloves and a scarf. or a snow-ball fight!!!(this coming from someone who’s never even seen snow!) - all smiles :D
Extra energy with a strong craving for any exotic activity that is characteristic of either extreme winter, or extreme summer.
E.g. such a rush felt at the thought of diving into a cool pool on a sunny day, and/or a strong desire to go ice-skating wrapped up in warm clothing, with wool gloves and a scarf. or a snow-ball fight!!!(this coming from someone who’s never even seen snow!) - all smiles :D
October : definition
October…
Definition: an ill-defined, some what transitory month, showing itself in a mixture of emotions. Considered a primary healing response for September blues, and an efficient mechanism by which the psyche starts to accommodate to the newly established conditions.
Definition: an ill-defined, some what transitory month, showing itself in a mixture of emotions. Considered a primary healing response for September blues, and an efficient mechanism by which the psyche starts to accommodate to the newly established conditions.
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
food qoute 4
Oscar Madison: You want... uh... brown sandwiches... or green sandwiches?
Murray: What's the green?
Oscar Madison: It's either very new cheese or very old meat.
Murray: I'll take the brown.
the old couple
Murray: What's the green?
Oscar Madison: It's either very new cheese or very old meat.
Murray: I'll take the brown.
the old couple
food quote 3
Homer: I sure could go for a hot dog right about now.
Marge: Homer! This is a funeral!
Vendor: HOT DOGS!
Homer: WOO HOO!
Marge: Do you just follow my husband around everywhere?
Vendor: Lady, he's putting my kids through college.
the simpsons
Marge: Homer! This is a funeral!
Vendor: HOT DOGS!
Homer: WOO HOO!
Marge: Do you just follow my husband around everywhere?
Vendor: Lady, he's putting my kids through college.
the simpsons
food quote 1
Spike: There's something wrong with this yogurt.
William: It's mayonnaise.
Spike: Oh.
notting hill.
P.S. i just started dieting
William: It's mayonnaise.
Spike: Oh.
notting hill.
P.S. i just started dieting
Tuesday, October 9, 2007
boriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing!
my life is getting extremely boring! come to think of it, i dont think i have a life really. not complaining about anything or anyone but myself. i am so sick of falling into routine, depending on other people for my hapiness, and feeling sorry for myself!
i just got my lisence and a car, and i just transferred to the uni i always wanted but i keep waiting for things to happen and to do things, it is just pathetic! i am waiting for eid to be over to start dieting & studying, and for the sections to begin so that i'd start meeting new people and making friends, for the first test to find out if i'm on track, for winter coz i love winter wear, for the right guy to come along- and god knows that doesnt seem to be happening anytime soon!
i havent gone out- excluding family gatherings- for at least six weeks now, i got a severe case of flu, and i spend my day fasting, watching tv, eating and sleeping- barely anything else! the routine is killing me! med school kinda does that to u, or mayb cairo, i am not sure.
i seriously need to do something that'l just make me feel great about myself, something entirely new and exhilerating. if anyone's readin this and has some sorta suggestions please let me know, i'm dispairing here...ciao tutti
i just got my lisence and a car, and i just transferred to the uni i always wanted but i keep waiting for things to happen and to do things, it is just pathetic! i am waiting for eid to be over to start dieting & studying, and for the sections to begin so that i'd start meeting new people and making friends, for the first test to find out if i'm on track, for winter coz i love winter wear, for the right guy to come along- and god knows that doesnt seem to be happening anytime soon!
i havent gone out- excluding family gatherings- for at least six weeks now, i got a severe case of flu, and i spend my day fasting, watching tv, eating and sleeping- barely anything else! the routine is killing me! med school kinda does that to u, or mayb cairo, i am not sure.
i seriously need to do something that'l just make me feel great about myself, something entirely new and exhilerating. if anyone's readin this and has some sorta suggestions please let me know, i'm dispairing here...ciao tutti
Monday, October 1, 2007
A happy place
looking up to the vast space...
laying back on the large soft chez lounge, the water of the swimming pool below sparkling with the soft lighting.
looking up to the endless sea of stars...
the garden's trees and bushes fill the air with the smell of the freshly cut rose bushes. there's a chill in the atmosphere, and a breeze.
the moon is a large beige round, a full...
he brings the lightweight mattress and places it on the floor. i lay there, in his arms, wrapped in the duvet he pulled off the bed.
dawn is not far from here... and the night has been just lovely.
laying back on the large soft chez lounge, the water of the swimming pool below sparkling with the soft lighting.
looking up to the endless sea of stars...
the garden's trees and bushes fill the air with the smell of the freshly cut rose bushes. there's a chill in the atmosphere, and a breeze.
the moon is a large beige round, a full...
he brings the lightweight mattress and places it on the floor. i lay there, in his arms, wrapped in the duvet he pulled off the bed.
dawn is not far from here... and the night has been just lovely.
insomniac
ARRGGGGGGGGGG!!! i've been in bed for 2 hours now! it sucks! i havent had this much trouble sleeping in 2 years or something. a couple of days ago i was in bed for 4 hours till i fell asleep!
it's putting me in a tough mood. ramadan and september! tough break. lets see...a horendous change in diet, weather, routine, put that together with a new university, living alone again, vacaton is over, and a severe case of boredom, laziness and obviously, insomnia!
i almost feel sorry for myself. except for the fact that i know things will be just fine in a few weeks. but until then, it's basically putting up with the crap that will only get worse, as studying material builds up in four subjects that i hardly know a thing about. given that this year is the toughest in med school and most people fall here, i'm guessing thats not a good thing.
i guess what bothers me most is how "not proactive" i'm being. i mean i'm supposed to go to uni and attend the lectures that started 2 weeks ago. but then again, everytime i go, i feel terrible! being completely alone in a place so full of college students that basically know each other and their way around. it isnt supposed to be like that, coz u see, i've been through 11 schools through out my 13 yrs of schooling, and 2 other universities already, but somehow, the knowledge that this is it; my final transition, i'm spending the next five yrs in this particular place. i dont know if i'm being extra carefull, or just sick of making new friends that most probably wont even last.
hmmm.. and i've been having this weird feeling everytime i walk on campus, i get this strange phobia like feeling; so aware of everyone around me, so conscious. i dont know...
well, lets just hope i get through this, and hopefully begin studying, coz if i postpone things further, it will turn into a disaster. bad performance can't imposibly help.
meanwhile, in a couple of weeks, i'll have to start dieting to lose the extra weight from summer and ramadan.
i guess someday i will go through this and laugh. till then, i need motivation:(
it's putting me in a tough mood. ramadan and september! tough break. lets see...a horendous change in diet, weather, routine, put that together with a new university, living alone again, vacaton is over, and a severe case of boredom, laziness and obviously, insomnia!
i almost feel sorry for myself. except for the fact that i know things will be just fine in a few weeks. but until then, it's basically putting up with the crap that will only get worse, as studying material builds up in four subjects that i hardly know a thing about. given that this year is the toughest in med school and most people fall here, i'm guessing thats not a good thing.
i guess what bothers me most is how "not proactive" i'm being. i mean i'm supposed to go to uni and attend the lectures that started 2 weeks ago. but then again, everytime i go, i feel terrible! being completely alone in a place so full of college students that basically know each other and their way around. it isnt supposed to be like that, coz u see, i've been through 11 schools through out my 13 yrs of schooling, and 2 other universities already, but somehow, the knowledge that this is it; my final transition, i'm spending the next five yrs in this particular place. i dont know if i'm being extra carefull, or just sick of making new friends that most probably wont even last.
hmmm.. and i've been having this weird feeling everytime i walk on campus, i get this strange phobia like feeling; so aware of everyone around me, so conscious. i dont know...
well, lets just hope i get through this, and hopefully begin studying, coz if i postpone things further, it will turn into a disaster. bad performance can't imposibly help.
meanwhile, in a couple of weeks, i'll have to start dieting to lose the extra weight from summer and ramadan.
i guess someday i will go through this and laugh. till then, i need motivation:(
Friday, September 21, 2007
dreams...underneath the swirling skies.
birthday wishes? new year's resolutions? chrismas lists? the list is endless. and it all says one thing; we can not live without dreams. i mean, if we dont have a goal to work towards, whats life about then?
this summe,r i caught myself wondering, a number of times, whats my ultimate goal? that one thing that i live for. an innermost part of me was telling me that the answer should be "heaven". well, i do believe in heaven, and it most definitely is where i wanna be eventually. but lets face it, thats not the billboard set high above, that i run towards with a smile on my face. it's a whole different deal then.
i figure i got a wishlist too, like everyone. and it could be similar to a whole lot others out there, but it still is mine. and it's why i wake up early in the morning, although i'd kill to be able to sleep in, and why we bother to do education, relationships, check ups, and chocolate cakes. got you thinking, jo?
well, here's what i think of when i lie down on a matress up on the roof and watch the millions of stars. and the occasional shooting star. and yes, i do make a wish or so.
i wish...(hope this doesnt jinx it!) that i could spent my day working in a huge, modern hospital, that has these posh, stainless steel coffee stands. and i wanna be able to observe tough surgery, and treat hard cases. then, i'd leave to my house where i could eat a nice dinner with my husband, who happens to be great-mind you!- and cares for me tons. and then lie on the couch watching a light romance movie to sleep.
every year i'd like to be able to score a couple of weeks vacation somewhere extremely new, and do bunjy jumbing, sky diving, mountain climbing, camping in the woods. safaris through the desert...basically travel around the world. vegas, malaysia, italy, brazil, france, austria and swizerland. and another couple of weeks with my family. my extended family. i know hardly anyone likes that; arguments that last a lifetime over absolutely nothing meaningful, bigtime expectations by older folks who always think the next generation is too screwed up, and kids screaming and running around breaking alot of stuff. but lets face it, family gossip is basically... well, kinda cosy. (Ahem... it's real late and i could posibly be losing it, i'm not sure :)) the bigger the croud, the more people in your life that affect your life and love you in some way, and that is definitely warm.
and of course, one day, i'd like to have kids, and start a new generation that will probably be even more screwed up, but hopefully, happy.
well, thats a life plan, ha? of course, there are tons of other wishes, like my own business, weekends at a glamourous spa, girlfriends that support and love me, first class travel, a week in a cottage in countryside england, and tons others.
i realise that while the list is endless, it expresses who i am,what my values are, and what my priorities are. (NB they were not in a particular order back up there, but i know what comes first) i mean, that why from a young age, our parents teach us about wishes, and goals and dreams. and the more dreams i have, the more reasons i have to live.
PS. if you dont have a wishlist figured out already, try it out, you'll be surprised how much you wanna do. goodnight and sweet dreams everyone :-)
this summe,r i caught myself wondering, a number of times, whats my ultimate goal? that one thing that i live for. an innermost part of me was telling me that the answer should be "heaven". well, i do believe in heaven, and it most definitely is where i wanna be eventually. but lets face it, thats not the billboard set high above, that i run towards with a smile on my face. it's a whole different deal then.
i figure i got a wishlist too, like everyone. and it could be similar to a whole lot others out there, but it still is mine. and it's why i wake up early in the morning, although i'd kill to be able to sleep in, and why we bother to do education, relationships, check ups, and chocolate cakes. got you thinking, jo?
well, here's what i think of when i lie down on a matress up on the roof and watch the millions of stars. and the occasional shooting star. and yes, i do make a wish or so.
i wish...(hope this doesnt jinx it!) that i could spent my day working in a huge, modern hospital, that has these posh, stainless steel coffee stands. and i wanna be able to observe tough surgery, and treat hard cases. then, i'd leave to my house where i could eat a nice dinner with my husband, who happens to be great-mind you!- and cares for me tons. and then lie on the couch watching a light romance movie to sleep.
every year i'd like to be able to score a couple of weeks vacation somewhere extremely new, and do bunjy jumbing, sky diving, mountain climbing, camping in the woods. safaris through the desert...basically travel around the world. vegas, malaysia, italy, brazil, france, austria and swizerland. and another couple of weeks with my family. my extended family. i know hardly anyone likes that; arguments that last a lifetime over absolutely nothing meaningful, bigtime expectations by older folks who always think the next generation is too screwed up, and kids screaming and running around breaking alot of stuff. but lets face it, family gossip is basically... well, kinda cosy. (Ahem... it's real late and i could posibly be losing it, i'm not sure :)) the bigger the croud, the more people in your life that affect your life and love you in some way, and that is definitely warm.
and of course, one day, i'd like to have kids, and start a new generation that will probably be even more screwed up, but hopefully, happy.
well, thats a life plan, ha? of course, there are tons of other wishes, like my own business, weekends at a glamourous spa, girlfriends that support and love me, first class travel, a week in a cottage in countryside england, and tons others.
i realise that while the list is endless, it expresses who i am,what my values are, and what my priorities are. (NB they were not in a particular order back up there, but i know what comes first) i mean, that why from a young age, our parents teach us about wishes, and goals and dreams. and the more dreams i have, the more reasons i have to live.
PS. if you dont have a wishlist figured out already, try it out, you'll be surprised how much you wanna do. goodnight and sweet dreams everyone :-)
Monday, September 10, 2007
a tribute
to mom, and Teddy. and the angels that stood by me and played a part in getting my life back together. my love to all of you.
“she got married while still in college?!” my sister questions regarding my aunt as she goes through the select pics I picked out. My parents have this box full of photos from back when they were in college, and for some reason-perhaps boredom- I decided I’d look through them tonight. Automatically, I was stacking the ones I liked in a separate stack.
My mom, her brother, her sis, my dad and his sis, all went to college together. And judging by the photos alone, anyone would say they had a hell of a time being there. Put the photos aside, talk to my mom, and you’d end up with the same conclusion; it was a blast! “the best years of her life”. Not hard to believe since college is usually everyone’s favourite time. But the enthusiasm that radiates through her smile when she talks about it...and if there were genes for enthusiasm and passion for medicine and college life, she definitely passed them on to me.
I have always wanted to go to med school. Ever since I was 5, it was decided in my mind. I can’t imagine myself doing anything else for the rest of my life. Even my dream of starting a coffee house chain was never a substitute. And would never suffice. I was born to be a doctor. So you can only imagine how I felt when my life took an awkward twist in the wrong direction.
After I was done with my IGCSEs and applied in colleges-through the stupid system that applies here in Egypt- I had done really well on my IGCSEs, specifically, 7 A stars, 1 A &1 C on my O levels, plus 3 As on my A levels, I don’t mean to brag, but that was good! The uni. applications results came back after applying by a month or so. I was accepted in the faculty of engineering!
Utmost horror wasn’t my reaction. that very same summer, my very best friend Teddy for whom I had feeling for-albeit feelings I never quite completely understood- had passed away, after being terribly sick for like 9 months. So I was already severely depressed, screwed up emotionally, and basically lost, that by the time I read “faculty of engineering” on that small receipt-like piece of paper, I was actually smiling.
The drive with my parents back form the office was basically weird. I had accepted(or so I said) the strange twist of fate and was going to study engineering, become a successful architect, or medical engineer.
And so it was. I went to the faculty of engineering, paid the fees, bought the books and the technical equipment required, and started attending. My parents had traveled already, and I was staying with my grandma. College had started.
I spent quite a lot of time in a 2-3 weeks period basically weeping secretly in the balcony at night. Probably more for the loss of my best friend Teddy than my unfortunate college. I was refusing to admit my defeat and was determined to pass at this. But I guess, I had reached this point where it was impossible for anyone to think that I was less than severely depressed and broken.
One night I even talked with my grandma and discussed with her how nothing really mattered in the first place, and how I didn’t really care about anything that had, or was going to ever happen to me.
The next morning, 2 of my aunts came over and were discussing with my grandma and my mom a course of action. One that would change my life forever. And get it back on the tracks I had so carefully laid out for myself.
“listen sweetie; we are going to ask about transfers, but if it doesn’t work out which it probably wouldn’t, you have 2 options; firstly, is go to a private medical school (only one was available in cairo-and a lousy one!) and next year you can try to transfer to another uni, your second option would be to stay where you are this year, then next year reapply, you would have wasted this year though”. That was instead of “good morning”! I was basically in shock.
We went to the office, and without a lot of details, I had managed to transfer to a medical school that was over 70km from cairo. In the country side. I would be able to transfer to a med school in cairo after 2 years.
My aunt describes me that day, as “a rabbit about to be executed”, curled up in the back seat of her car!
In a brief afternoon, my whole future was taking a sharp turn.
My mom jumped on a plane back to cairo, to help me out with the paper work and be the enormous source of support that she’s always been. The next 2 weeks were frantic. Absolute horror, weakness, and a lot of other emotions.
My whole life plan was shattered that summer. My soul was absolutely crushed.. I had only collected some pieces of my shattered life, glued them together and was less fearful, yet still broken. But at least I was back on track. And piece by piece, I was determined to get my broken heart back together.
A couple of days later, I was at the bus stop waiting for a bus that would take us to the country side. My mom was with me. By my side. And from above an angel was looking over me. Praying for me like I was for him. And his prayers were answered.
“she got married while still in college?!” my sister questions regarding my aunt as she goes through the select pics I picked out. My parents have this box full of photos from back when they were in college, and for some reason-perhaps boredom- I decided I’d look through them tonight. Automatically, I was stacking the ones I liked in a separate stack.
My mom, her brother, her sis, my dad and his sis, all went to college together. And judging by the photos alone, anyone would say they had a hell of a time being there. Put the photos aside, talk to my mom, and you’d end up with the same conclusion; it was a blast! “the best years of her life”. Not hard to believe since college is usually everyone’s favourite time. But the enthusiasm that radiates through her smile when she talks about it...and if there were genes for enthusiasm and passion for medicine and college life, she definitely passed them on to me.
I have always wanted to go to med school. Ever since I was 5, it was decided in my mind. I can’t imagine myself doing anything else for the rest of my life. Even my dream of starting a coffee house chain was never a substitute. And would never suffice. I was born to be a doctor. So you can only imagine how I felt when my life took an awkward twist in the wrong direction.
After I was done with my IGCSEs and applied in colleges-through the stupid system that applies here in Egypt- I had done really well on my IGCSEs, specifically, 7 A stars, 1 A &1 C on my O levels, plus 3 As on my A levels, I don’t mean to brag, but that was good! The uni. applications results came back after applying by a month or so. I was accepted in the faculty of engineering!
Utmost horror wasn’t my reaction. that very same summer, my very best friend Teddy for whom I had feeling for-albeit feelings I never quite completely understood- had passed away, after being terribly sick for like 9 months. So I was already severely depressed, screwed up emotionally, and basically lost, that by the time I read “faculty of engineering” on that small receipt-like piece of paper, I was actually smiling.
The drive with my parents back form the office was basically weird. I had accepted(or so I said) the strange twist of fate and was going to study engineering, become a successful architect, or medical engineer.
And so it was. I went to the faculty of engineering, paid the fees, bought the books and the technical equipment required, and started attending. My parents had traveled already, and I was staying with my grandma. College had started.
I spent quite a lot of time in a 2-3 weeks period basically weeping secretly in the balcony at night. Probably more for the loss of my best friend Teddy than my unfortunate college. I was refusing to admit my defeat and was determined to pass at this. But I guess, I had reached this point where it was impossible for anyone to think that I was less than severely depressed and broken.
One night I even talked with my grandma and discussed with her how nothing really mattered in the first place, and how I didn’t really care about anything that had, or was going to ever happen to me.
The next morning, 2 of my aunts came over and were discussing with my grandma and my mom a course of action. One that would change my life forever. And get it back on the tracks I had so carefully laid out for myself.
“listen sweetie; we are going to ask about transfers, but if it doesn’t work out which it probably wouldn’t, you have 2 options; firstly, is go to a private medical school (only one was available in cairo-and a lousy one!) and next year you can try to transfer to another uni, your second option would be to stay where you are this year, then next year reapply, you would have wasted this year though”. That was instead of “good morning”! I was basically in shock.
We went to the office, and without a lot of details, I had managed to transfer to a medical school that was over 70km from cairo. In the country side. I would be able to transfer to a med school in cairo after 2 years.
My aunt describes me that day, as “a rabbit about to be executed”, curled up in the back seat of her car!
In a brief afternoon, my whole future was taking a sharp turn.
My mom jumped on a plane back to cairo, to help me out with the paper work and be the enormous source of support that she’s always been. The next 2 weeks were frantic. Absolute horror, weakness, and a lot of other emotions.
My whole life plan was shattered that summer. My soul was absolutely crushed.. I had only collected some pieces of my shattered life, glued them together and was less fearful, yet still broken. But at least I was back on track. And piece by piece, I was determined to get my broken heart back together.
A couple of days later, I was at the bus stop waiting for a bus that would take us to the country side. My mom was with me. By my side. And from above an angel was looking over me. Praying for me like I was for him. And his prayers were answered.
Sunday, September 2, 2007
first dive
they are so many. way so many. the view from the microbus is an everlasting poster of wall to wall grey buildings. lots and lots of windows and balconies and rooms. i can't help but feel... every family in each of these homes has a full life. a life of family gatherings, arguments and traditions. jobs, schools and colleges to go to. friends that talk, listen, offer and want advice. through some route or another, i am connected to each and every person in the city.
i am going crazy.
the trip in the microbus, although extremely dreadfull to me when i think about it, once i am in there, and on that long bridge that runs through the busy cairo, disturbing the residents, it is a calm mind spot. this is when i sink deep into my mind and lose track of time. of exsistance.
i find myself wondering about people. and if i were that woman i spot hanging her laundry out the window. worrying about her mom's health, probably, and wondering about the food cooking on the stove.
it is endless. infinite. and a huge irregular meshwork that holds us all. perhaps not only through cairo, but through the entire universe.
and then i am brought back to life and the extremely uncomfortable seat by the window of the microbus, as we are back on the busy street. and no longer on the brigde. i do not miss it. i long to be home after my 2 and a half hour long journey back from college. tomoro is another randevous.
soon. this will be over soon. and i will look back and hopefully feel proud of the accomplishment. of the lessons i learned. journey routes will change, and so will destinations. but the brigde will stay, and wait for me. it enjoys my admiration and attatchment. and i enjoy its presence. it is simply...here.
i am going crazy.
the trip in the microbus, although extremely dreadfull to me when i think about it, once i am in there, and on that long bridge that runs through the busy cairo, disturbing the residents, it is a calm mind spot. this is when i sink deep into my mind and lose track of time. of exsistance.
i find myself wondering about people. and if i were that woman i spot hanging her laundry out the window. worrying about her mom's health, probably, and wondering about the food cooking on the stove.
it is endless. infinite. and a huge irregular meshwork that holds us all. perhaps not only through cairo, but through the entire universe.
and then i am brought back to life and the extremely uncomfortable seat by the window of the microbus, as we are back on the busy street. and no longer on the brigde. i do not miss it. i long to be home after my 2 and a half hour long journey back from college. tomoro is another randevous.
soon. this will be over soon. and i will look back and hopefully feel proud of the accomplishment. of the lessons i learned. journey routes will change, and so will destinations. but the brigde will stay, and wait for me. it enjoys my admiration and attatchment. and i enjoy its presence. it is simply...here.
Saturday, September 1, 2007
when your're feeling blue...
Sunshine. beaches. millions of stars in the sky. a baby's laughter. crimson red roses. your favourite song. coming back home. friends and family gatherings. the streets at night. hawaiian prints. a chickflick with the girls. icecream. nights on the roof. mountains. hot chocolate on a cold winter night. splashing into a cool pool summer afternoon. boat trips. being there for friends. new hats that look good on. a newborn's toes. spanish guitars...
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