Nostalgia

yesterday, i drove my sis to school, my ol' school.
i stepped inside with a deep breath. it felt as if it's been ages yet as if it was only yesterday that i ran around the playground, and up and down the stairs. i felt tight in my chest.
i ascended the stairs with her up to the IGCSE floor, said hello to my old supervisor. i didn;t like her that much. she was always quite fake, i felt.
i didn't stay for long. i couldn't. something didn't quite work.
i miss him too much. i miss everything too much. it comes as those strong pangs of absolutely just missing everything. feeling real tired and broken.
i went grocery shopping, prepared lunch, then decided i would go back to pick her up and say hello to my old bio teacher. i dressed "pleasantly", and got going. reached school a bit earlier, so i just stood on the stairs looking out the window into the playground.
i wanted to face myself. to realise what was wrong. to fix it. but only i felt real tight, and tears were close by.
i do not understand. i can not interpret what i feel. i can not be grieving for my life. sure, it's been a bit tough lately, and things weren't going my way the past couple of years, but now things r getting better. but it feels like the wound hasnt healed.
i need to heal completely and not be living my life as intermittent phases of energy and enthusiasm mixed with absolute unawareness, grief, and beurocracy.
i do not know how.

the dreamers

blank. sometimes living so much in confusion leads to this point where u just think, blank.
you do no know how you feel, or what u want, or what you should be doing. dont get me wrong, it isnt coz ur life is going too routinely or coz you r bored... being "not a kid, yet definately not an adult" totally sucks. forget the fact that you can make mistakes with no major consequence, yet sleeping when u wanna and all the seemingly good side of this strange phase. and look at it that way, you are in charge; everything you do will affect everything that happens to you in the future. it is crystal clear. transparent, and painfully obvious.
we spend about a third of our time sleeping, a third doing absolute junk/ vital processes including eating, watching tv, driving, on the phone etc etc, and the last third of the time in oblivion.
we do not neccessarily know where we're headed, or how we're gonna get there. yet we do not -in anyway- live in the moment. we excessively stress on issues that are as meaningless and trivial as our hair and outings, know practically nothing about politics or how our country is run, yet very much believe that when we are older we will all have tons of cash, drive any car we want and live anywhere we want, stress free and happy. we are the Dreamers.

vienna waits...

it’s been kinda tough the last few days. It all started off as a mind block. U know… one of those when u just feel u cant get anything through, study wise. And it was becoming to be one of those times when I just miss teddy so much I can’t help it.
everything seems to be going ok but It feels wrong. I just miss him and his times so much. I feel I’d give anything to be able to have him for a few hours. The security and sincerity of it…
I miss his smile and the way he looked at me. The way he cared about me no matter how mean I got or how far. He was always there for me to turn back to. He just isn’t anymore and sometimes life is just too hard. One of those, when u just wonder why, and what matters. When u realize that things, in fact, haven’t been all that great, after all.
An hour or so ago I just felt so worried about this other friend of mine, A, who is now in Lebanon. And for some reason, I got this bang, this strange feeling of being so worried about him. It’s like I’m almost certain something’s got to him or something. I don’t know. I just feel that he is now in teddy’s place and I am reliving what I did with teddy.
The way I really cared but somehow it seemed I was only backing out and wasn’t able to show it. until it hit me when he died. That I’d been so distant and that I didn’t spend anytime with him at all coz I wouldn’t break any rules. U know… those stupid Egyptian primitive boundaries, and me not realizing what mattered, and being perhaps too involved in my studies, that I forgot what really matters, and why anything ever does matter. It’s those moments when u feel that u’re just happy being where u are. Utterly happy. That’s what we live for, no? I guess I realized a bit later than I should have that rules r sometimes definitely meant to be broken. I should have broken some rules for teddy. And I should break some rules for A as well.
I just wish he’s alright. And that I get to see him soon coz I really wanna tell him how much he means to me.
I’ve been listening to this song “Vienna” by billy joel over and over, and I just can’t help it but cry. So much my head hurts at moments. I just feel this song right now. And I’ve been wasting so much time lately, that the guilt is taking over the relaxation purpose of the whole thing.
I feel alone.
I got friends but I’m so on my own. And while it feels good sometimes to be independent and perfectly fine being able to live on ur own. But sometimes it feels like rubbish. Like I just need someone who loves me unconditionally and without limits and cares about me. Probably mom. It feels like curling up, feotal position and just being hugged. Yeah… I need a hug. Perhaps a long walk. A vacation would work too. Reality is, I got a test tomoro. So, vacation plans rn’t applicable in any sense. And since I didn’t study, I guess that test is going down the drain. It’s my first in this uni so that’s probably not gonna help.
Well… I guess there’s probably very little I can do anyway.