Nostalgia

yesterday, i drove my sis to school, my ol' school.
i stepped inside with a deep breath. it felt as if it's been ages yet as if it was only yesterday that i ran around the playground, and up and down the stairs. i felt tight in my chest.
i ascended the stairs with her up to the IGCSE floor, said hello to my old supervisor. i didn;t like her that much. she was always quite fake, i felt.
i didn't stay for long. i couldn't. something didn't quite work.
i miss him too much. i miss everything too much. it comes as those strong pangs of absolutely just missing everything. feeling real tired and broken.
i went grocery shopping, prepared lunch, then decided i would go back to pick her up and say hello to my old bio teacher. i dressed "pleasantly", and got going. reached school a bit earlier, so i just stood on the stairs looking out the window into the playground.
i wanted to face myself. to realise what was wrong. to fix it. but only i felt real tight, and tears were close by.
i do not understand. i can not interpret what i feel. i can not be grieving for my life. sure, it's been a bit tough lately, and things weren't going my way the past couple of years, but now things r getting better. but it feels like the wound hasnt healed.
i need to heal completely and not be living my life as intermittent phases of energy and enthusiasm mixed with absolute unawareness, grief, and beurocracy.
i do not know how.